Friday, 16 August 2013
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marriage last:
marriagelasts:the 8 steps for a start. 1. Spare 15 minutes a day
"Children, life commitments, emotions and past hurts can break down communication," says Cynthia Grguric, a counselling psychologist at Lifeworks, Dubai "Keep communicating even when you are tempted to pull away. Make time for focused attention even if it is only 15 minutes a day. Be creative, have lunch over the phone together, or go on virtual internet outings."
2. Write a journal
Sit down every evening and write a journal about what you have brought to your relationship that day. "Ask yourself: What did I offer my marriage today? What could I do differently tomorrow?" This will create a change in attitude; instead of thinking about what your spouse can do for you, it will shift your focus towards what you can do for your relationship."
3. Create memories
"Life is a bit crazy," "My husband and I both have full time jobs, there's the kids to look after, packed lunches to make, Every now and then I think, when all of this stuff isn't around, will we have enough to keep us laughing and talking? Sometimes I work on making happy memories. We'll go away for the weekend, explore all the exciting things there are to do , or just simply go out for dinner, so that someday, when the kids grow up and our jobs are less demanding and we have more time together ... we'll actually have something to talk and laugh about."
4. Use 'I' statements, not 'you'
"Couples frequently communicate in attacking language, making the other person feel defensive and breaking down communication," says Grguric. "Take responsibility for your feelings and stick to: 'I feel ... when ... happens'."
5. Accept that some things get lost in translation
Multicultural marriages can increase stress. "If one person is a native English speaker and the other is not, the native speaker may sometimes find the tone and intonation of their partner misleading," they're upset when they're not and it is simply a translation issue."
6. Remember, love is a choice
"Westerners often rate marriage according to their levels of happiness, but it's dangerous to make decisions based entirely on our emotions," says Grguric. "In successful marriages, couples realise their commitment is about a choice to love each day. Similarly, our children do not always provoke loving thoughts but we consistently choose to love them even when their behaviour angers us."
7. Send a 'repair bid'
Many arguments happen over text messages where it's easy for miscommunication to occur. "At times like these, one person in the relationship needs to send a 'repair bid' to fix the damage that was done, "This doesn't mean they're accepting blame, but by simply sending a text message saying: 'I know we've had a challenging day but I'm looking forward to having dinner with you tonight,' it will help to improve relations."
8. Actively appreciate
Before you go to sleep, sit face to face with your spouse and acknowledge something about them that you like. "It could be: 'I appreciate that you took the children to school today' or 'I appreciate that you had a 45-minute drive home in bad traffic and I didn't have to do that'," suggests Chatila. "This will create intimacy, prevent you from going to bed angry, and help you start the following day in a good place."
"Children, life commitments, emotions and past hurts can break down communication," says Cynthia Grguric, a counselling psychologist at Lifeworks, Dubai "Keep communicating even when you are tempted to pull away. Make time for focused attention even if it is only 15 minutes a day. Be creative, have lunch over the phone together, or go on virtual internet outings."
2. Write a journal
Sit down every evening and write a journal about what you have brought to your relationship that day. "Ask yourself: What did I offer my marriage today? What could I do differently tomorrow?" This will create a change in attitude; instead of thinking about what your spouse can do for you, it will shift your focus towards what you can do for your relationship."
3. Create memories
"Life is a bit crazy," "My husband and I both have full time jobs, there's the kids to look after, packed lunches to make, Every now and then I think, when all of this stuff isn't around, will we have enough to keep us laughing and talking? Sometimes I work on making happy memories. We'll go away for the weekend, explore all the exciting things there are to do , or just simply go out for dinner, so that someday, when the kids grow up and our jobs are less demanding and we have more time together ... we'll actually have something to talk and laugh about."
4. Use 'I' statements, not 'you'
"Couples frequently communicate in attacking language, making the other person feel defensive and breaking down communication," says Grguric. "Take responsibility for your feelings and stick to: 'I feel ... when ... happens'."
5. Accept that some things get lost in translation
Multicultural marriages can increase stress. "If one person is a native English speaker and the other is not, the native speaker may sometimes find the tone and intonation of their partner misleading," they're upset when they're not and it is simply a translation issue."
6. Remember, love is a choice
"Westerners often rate marriage according to their levels of happiness, but it's dangerous to make decisions based entirely on our emotions," says Grguric. "In successful marriages, couples realise their commitment is about a choice to love each day. Similarly, our children do not always provoke loving thoughts but we consistently choose to love them even when their behaviour angers us."
7. Send a 'repair bid'
Many arguments happen over text messages where it's easy for miscommunication to occur. "At times like these, one person in the relationship needs to send a 'repair bid' to fix the damage that was done, "This doesn't mean they're accepting blame, but by simply sending a text message saying: 'I know we've had a challenging day but I'm looking forward to having dinner with you tonight,' it will help to improve relations."
8. Actively appreciate
Before you go to sleep, sit face to face with your spouse and acknowledge something about them that you like. "It could be: 'I appreciate that you took the children to school today' or 'I appreciate that you had a 45-minute drive home in bad traffic and I didn't have to do that'," suggests Chatila. "This will create intimacy, prevent you from going to bed angry, and help you start the following day in a good place."
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